NEEDLING

We can spot the guys just out of seeing the movie Sideways. We can spot them a mile away. They walk into the liquor store looking for wine for the first time in their lives. They might never even have ever bought liquor or stepped into a liquor store before. But they just saw the movie Sideways, they’re in their late thirties early forties, they’re ex-Young Urban Professional slightly effeminate – still holding on to that early nineties Sensitive Man thing – haven’t got an ounce of original personality to them and are REALLY WANTING TO IMPRESS YOU – or rather ME the wine merchant – with their knowledge of WINE TALK.

“I’m looking for a soft wine. I don’t want any of that harsh really dry complicated wine, you know?”
“What Andrew is saying, is that he’d like something soft.”
“Something,” I try to conjure up a word for them, “something easy? Something you can simply enjoy without having to think about it?” I say without a slight bit of irony or sarcasm.
“Yeah... you know, I’m not a wine drinker, I’ve never drank a wine I liked, really... so I’d like something Soft...” He repeats the word soft several times over and over again...
“I’m not exactly sure what you mean by soft? Do you mean something light, something fruity, something sweeter, something not too tannic, or too full?”
“Yeah... I guess I don’t want none of that red wine that’s so dry it... you know... it... it leaves you icky all over you can’t even drink it... you know...”
“You’d like to go fruity... possibly on the sweet side?”
“I’d like it soft, that’s what I want.”

But I’m not transliterating very well. There were the hand gestures as well, to go along with their non-descriptions of what they were looking for. They knew wine came in grape variety, but they couldn’t get the concept of varietals, wines made from several grapes. I sold them a bottle of overly fruity sweet red wine we just got in the store. I would never buy this wine for myself, as I don’t like fruity wines, and I don’t particularly care for wine which taste like bad liquid candy with absolutely no body or anything. I got a dollar fifty commission on that bottle.

I much prefer the forty or the fifty something single or unhappily married professional woman buying her bi-weekly half gallon of vodka / rum and the occasional bottle of red wine. At least we can joke together. THEY know where THEY stand and THEY know who THEY are and I like them for that. There’s usually a little flirt or joking going around. They’re usually a smart bunch with a sense of humor, though often on the cynical side. We have fun together. A small exchange lasting a few seconds or a couple of minutes the time it takes to run their credit card through the machine.