NEEDLING

Unhappy with my situation these days, I’m trying to think of ways to move things around, to substitute X with Y or Z. My task at hand this morning, is to identify X – the problem(s) – and to ponder what Y or Z could be, and their viability.

One possibility would be to quit everything, get in my car, and start driving somewhere OTHER THAN HERE for example – as I’ve done in the past – but then I would simply end up SOMEWHERE ELSE, which albeit would not be HERE, but would not be much better than HERE, as in it probably wouldn’t be any different and pretty much SAME SHIT DIFFERENT SPOT type of situation. And once the ILLUSION of change would have dissipated into thin air, I would find that THERE, or the new HERE isn’t much better than HERE, the would be EX-HERE. No great discovery: Running away, though sometimes full of great adventures, doesn’t solve the problem(s) – whether said problem(s) have been identified or not – it usually creates new problems to identify, categorize, find a solution to, learn to live with and/ or eliminate.

Back to X which I’ve partly identified as the LACK OF INDEPENDENCE, as in my daily activities are overwhelmingly controlled and directed by people OTHER than myself. And this makes me unhappy. Since these people are the ones who bring me a paycheck every other week, and thus allow me to pay rent, bills, and purchase food and drink, I need to either replace them with OTHER people who would do the same for me yet ask me less of my personal time in exchange, or find a way to bring that paycheck to myself all by myself. What I need is FINANCIAL independence. No great discovery here either.

I am banality. Just an everyday chap trying to make ends meet, all in trying to keep a small fraction of free-thought and free-thinking time while doing it. Not being very SUCCESSFUL at it, as in none of what I’ve just said is very original, though I’ve gotten up at an ungodly early hour so that I might have all this time to myself before going to my place of employment and perform my: working, thinking, being for THEM, the ones who send me a paycheck every other week – a very small paycheck I might add, numerically speaking.

What have I solved? Nothing. And I love to run away. That feeling – that wind in my face as I’m running / driving to unknown places. It’s a good feeling to not solve a darn thing and to just pick up and get out of dodge. I’m attempting something NEW. To face the demons, the capitalists, the communists, the priests, the city which is not my city but which is the city I currently live in, one I left years ago in very much the same manner I’d like to leave it once again, one which I’ve returned to... to what? Ten years have gone by and I feel as if I’m back at the starting block.

I better get my thinking cap on and solve whatever it is that needs solving because I got the traveling bug.

WHAT are Y and Z? Are they a solution to X, a replacement, an on-going process, a growing-up evolution of me, an illusion... how can I resolve X, move on towards the un-identified Y and Z without falling further into depression? How can I go on my next trip – wherever that might be – and do it in a spirit of GOING TOWARDS rather than RUNNING FROM?